i found out that i haven been blogging since ages.
but i just feel like pouring all this out.
1st- to my future
i have no idea what i should do and what lies in my life ahead, what god had plan for me.
It started me thinking on what i should do, i am like a glass bottle, always emptied.
I know its not very alright with me thinking this way, i am sort of wanting to go NS, with at least 2 years of thinking through what i would want in life, what i want to do in the future. Hence, i has this mindset of going for NS.(army,navy, air force ,police) My mum wants me to get a degree as it would give me better prospects in the future. I too agree with her decision, as any government paying job would pay more to a degree holder than a diploma holder.
But Navy currently has this thing, where you sign on for 3yrs for females, 5yrs for males. The government would start paying a mthly salary of 1.8k and abv, might be able to get sponsorship for degree
All and all, i think it would give me a lengthen deadline, to decide on what degree course to take and what job in the future.
As a Capricorn, i agree that i am rather materialistic, money gives me security.Navy seems to understand what i want in that point of time.
2nd- to my health
I have recently injured my ankle, twisting it while running for a bus. It came to me as me being too careless. As April(anonymous colleague) have said, "Girls grow old very fast,before you know it, you will see the signs showing"
How much more can i be careless? with all this carelessness, i might do great damage to my health. I am not young anymore, how can i afford to fall and row , sprain my joints, fall on my bones. Its time i should learn how to be more cautious and careful.
3rd- to my family
I have been having dreams of my family members leaving, it starts to leave me in fear.
After all this nightmare, i do not already know where i could find comfort.
Everyone seems so distant, parents are so busy with their job and their personal activities, Siblings are rather concern about their own future and hobbies.
I am really afraid that i would lose all of you, to stuff that aren't as important in my knowledge.
4th-to my boyfriend
I don't know if you would be reading this, or anyone would, but i just feel like pouring out.
I know you have been trying to teach me how to grow up, i know i still am not the girl that you see my potential in anymore, i am as stubborn as a ox.
i know that you have been having conflicts within your heart and mind. About being a boyfriend and being yourself. I am trying to help, but it seems like you do not want me to be there for you anymore. Remember us saying that we will help each other and to be there for each other? This seems like one-sided to me.
I know that you are intolerant to some of my attitudes, actions and mindset. But there is no one that is so perfect, people suit to each other, people give and take.
I don't know if i am wrong to start pampering you with gifts and love, it seems like you aren't receiving very well.
Maybe its a wrong move, i should never have started pampering you, letting you go your way.
I don't want to force you to make decisions, i don't want to force you to do stuff that you do not like, but it feels to me that you just take it that way, that its alright for you to do things your way.
I too wished that you would be more understanding, loving and more reliable. Its not wrong to have expectations of your partner, but it seems to me like its all about your expectations of me and you are not withstanding my expectations of you, making me feel small.
I wished i could be more confident about myself, but with all the criticism from you, i haven yet figure how to manage it.
You seem like a unmatched puzzle piece, always wanting me to find out more about you, but does not give me a channel to understand you better.
All in all, i am still rather happy that you still took your role as a boyfriend, bringing me to the doctor, coming to fetch me after work, cuddle me to sleep and accompany me a little more.
All this sums up my I HATE YOU and LOVE YOU at the same time theory.
To whom it may concern, i apologise for the extremely long post